1. My ideal mate is a:
2. My relationship with the person/place/thing/verb I care for goes something like this:
We are together constantly, only parting when I have to fill out taxes or make a bowel movement.
Our relationship is complicated and kind of boring. There is no romantic comedy that really speaks to us.
My companion is as wide as the oceans and as big as the mountains. We can only be together sometimes. When we are, we read Walt Whitman aloud to each other.
We are just friends. We do stuff together, but I think it would get weird if we were anything else.
3. I rely on my beloved most:
In the morning. I can't face the day without my true love.
When I'm depressed.
At 4:20 a.m. or p.m.
4. My ideal honeymoon would be in:
The United Kingdom
Anywhere but California
5. After we go grocery shopping, my friend/friend and I fight over this item:
Frozen Buffalo wings
6. The adverse side effects most of my relationships have produced are:
Insomnia, extreme mood swings
Short term memory loss, dry mouth
7. I think other people view me like this:
They think I'm normal. I mean I park in the handicap spot sometimes and I never give change to homeless people, but I have things to do.
They envy me because I have more friends than anyone I know. I'm superhuman.
That question could mean anything, and I don't appreciate being put in a box with only four answers.
They think I am so sexy, even when I'm freezing my ass off outside when I'm on my ten-minute break at work.
8. If I had to watch a movie out of these four, it would be:
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
St. Elmo's Fire, or whatever is on TV
9. When I heard there was no evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, I thought:
Those United States government officials are saying that because they're jealous of our freedom.
Politics is a very complicated subject. And I'm an expert, because I take part in the Civil War reenactments in Gettysburg. So I'm going to talk about other things for two hours and not answer your question because I don't want to admit that I haven't been watching the news.
I am still completely committed Ralph Nadar.
I roll my eyes at you. Rrrrrrrrrroooooooollllllllll.
10. When I hear police sirens I:
Run outside and tell them how my tax dollars are paying for those potholes.
Run outside naked and see if they notice.
Spray my living room with Lysol, and then I hide in my closet and cry.
I didn't know there were sirens; I had the volume turned up too loud.