How to Invoke Pan
Craig Heimbichner and Tom X. Chao
It seems that most people have confused the demon Pan with a charming, bearded, woodland satyr, usually seen playing upon some kind of pipes (!) at summery idylls attended by benighted Wiccan dilettantes picnicking on a lawn. That misapprehension could prove fatal. Pan stands as one of the mightiest demons of the underworld, fantastically powerful and given to intense, animalistic rages. Pan should not be summoned without the greatest of forethought, especially by stoned teenagers at a "rave." (Do not attend any after-hours party at a secret location that advertises the invocation of Pan as a part of the festivities.)
Be very cautious with the magickal information below. Do not read the instructions aloud to someone next to you. Do not move your lips while reading this.
The instructions for invoking Pan are given for entertainment purposes only. If you do attempt to invoke Pan, be advised that temporary insanity may result. For this reason, we suggest that all utility bills be paid several months in advance.
What you will need:
- One strong rope
- One gag
- One small dagger
- One can of paint, blue phosphorus
- One paintbrush
- Protective clothing, such as that worn by dog-trainers
- Nine candles: four red, four black, one white
- One flawless memory
- One extremely accurate watch
- Several magic robes, loose-fitting
- One magic altar, fully inscribed
- One magic sword, Paracelsus-style
- Disciples (The number may vary.)
- One house in France (If you cannot obtain a house in France, any large room with a lockable door will do.)
- One human sacrifice
Arrive at the house in France several hours before midnight. Have the disciples bind and gag the human sacrifice. Instruct the disciples to remain downstairs (or outside the house) for the entire evening. Important: they are not to enter the invocation room until dawn for any reason, no matter what they hear.
Take the human sacrifice upstairs. This person need not be apprised of what is going to take place, but he or she should be a virgin. Remember, Pan will be able to tell.
Using the blue phosphorus paint, draw a large circle where you want Pan to appear. Make it larger than ten feet in diameter to give him plenty of room. At least ten feet away from the circle, paint an equilateral triangle big enough for you to stand inside but not big enough for Pan to get inside with you. Allow the paint to dry. Place the magic altar between the circle and the triangle, and tie the sacrifice onto it, making sure to center the body. A disciple may assist with the binding but must leave immediately afterward. Put on your protective clothing, and wear the magic robes over it. Pick up and hold the magic sword at all times.
Now you are ready to begin the invocation. At five minutes before midnight,
allow your lower jaw to relax, and begin to speak in tongues. Take the dagger and stab the human sacrifice in the forehead. (For the exact location, you may consult our "How To Invoke Pan" laminated bookmark which contains these instructions in purse- or wallet-card size.) Curse the sacrifice in Enochian. (Please refer to any good book of Enochian curses.) Then enter the triangle quickly and stop your glossolalia.
At precisely midnight, hold aloft the magic sword and say, "Pan! O cloven-hoofed one! Appear and destroy! Purify the earth! Rise, O Pan, and appear to me, for I await thee!"
Upon appearing, Pan will most likely destroy any loose items in the room. Do not let this disturb you; simply remain inside the triangle at all times.
If for any reason you lose control and go insane with fear, do not drop your sword. Use it to threaten Pan as you say, "Submit, for you must obey me!" You may strike Pan with the sword, but remember: he can kill you.
If you have survived to this point, you may request that Pan do your bidding. To do this, force Pan into his circle and move to the altar. Arrange the candles on the altar in the Qabalistic Tree of Life pattern. Make sure you achieve the pattern exactly, because the slightest error will allow Pan to enter you through your reticular activator. Move back into the triangle and give Pan a command. (One command per apparition, please.) For example, "O Pan, go now and slay all Christian missionaries in East Texas." Or whatever strikes your fancy.
Finally, at around dawn, you will be exhausted from wearing heavy protective clothing and swinging a ten-pound sword over your head all evening. You may banish Pan by playing the music of Diamanda Galas at high volume. Make sure you insert earplugs first.
Remember, Pan is crazy-evil. Do not summon him. And do not ever flirt with occult infestation by playing Magic: The Gathering, reading Harry Potter books, listening to The Dark Side of the Moon while watching The Wizard of Oz, or participating in ritual flagellation at the Druidic nudist colony in Carmichael, California, except at the Tuesday night Beef and Beer Feed, "the Central Valley's finest." Tell 'em we sent you.